2.2: B. Myths and Realities

B. Myths and Realities

   Begin covering this section by discussing what a myth is, perhaps defining it on the board.  Then ask the class, individually or in groups, to compose a list of myths associated with domestic violence. Or alternatively, design a quick true/false quiz to assess the current overall level of understanding by the students. Discuss the realities afterward. Have students write about which myths they had held (or even continue to hold) as realities, and which they had known were purely myths. What accounts for their assumptions? Have them reflect on the differing powers of personal experience, anecdotal evidence, and statistics. This may offer an excellent opportunity to discuss the importance and differences of both quantitative and qualitative research.

MYTH #1: Domestic violence only happens to certain kinds of people. If they were____ (fill in the blank) it would not, could not happen to them.

REALITY: Domestic violence happens to people of all ethnic, racial, economic, religious and educational backgrounds, all ages, abilities, personalities, and lifestyles (American Bar Association). Men can be victims; however, 95‑98% of all victims are women (U.S. Department of Justice, "Violence"). Conservative estimates indicate that approximately 1.5 million women are abused by their husbands or partners (ACADV). However, it is important to note that a great many victims never report the abuse.

You can use this reality as an opportunity to discuss why people may not report and why there is a social stigma attached to being a “victim.” This issue may also tie in with discussions about response rates, the importance of the wording of questions so as not to imply blame, and the importance of confidentiality.

MYTH #2: You can spot an abuser "a mile away" or “I would know if a person was abusive when I met them.”

REALITY: Abusers don't wear signs around their necks. They may often be quite charming, initially, and they may be found among the educated, uneducated, wealthy and poverty‑stricken. They may be found among every religious faith, as well as among agnostics and atheists. They may be found across race lines, and in heterosexual, homosexual, bi‑sexual, and transgendered communities. A woman does not say when she meets her future abuser, "Oh, he looks like he might beat me. I think I'll date him." There may be noticeable indicators if you know what to look for, but then again, there may not.

MYTH #3: Victims are usually adults.

REALITY: According to a 1999 North Dakota Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 11.3% of high school students in the previous year had been physically abused by their boyfriend or girlfriend (Tri‑State Rural Collaboration Project, "Dating Violence").

MYTH #4: If the victim would stay out of the abuser's way, or do things correctly, she woldn't get hurt.

REALITY: Abuse is not about being provoked. The victim can not control the abuser as it is an abuser's choice to act the way he does.

MYTH #5: Batterers do not mean to be violent, they just lose control.

REALITY: Battering is a purposeful behavior aimed at acquiring power and control. The violence is deliberate and the target is specific. Batterers typically do not lose control at work or hit a friend. Batterers batter because it works in gaining control over their partner.

MYTH #6: It was just a one‑time occurrence. It won't happen again. S/he promised.

REALITY: According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, "Battering tends to be a pattern of violence rather than a one‑time occurrence. During the six months following an episode of domestic violence, 32% of batterers victimized again" (American Bar Association).

MYTH #7: Victims tend to exaggerate the situation.

REALITY: Actually, victims often "play down" the abuse suffered in order to avoid fully accepting the abuse at the hands of a loved one. It is rare for a victim to exaggerate the violence.

MYTH #8: The physical abuse is continual, occurring all the time.

REALITY: Not necessarily. Often an escalated episode of abuse is followed by a period of relative calm. However, there is continual power and control occurring.

MYTH #9: If it were really "that bad," the victim would leave the relationship.

REALITY: Social, emotional, economic, religious, cultural and legal realities deter victims from picking up and leaving abusive situations. Nevertheless, the true issue should not be why the victim does not leave but rather why society does not make the abuser leave.

• Victims may have been threatened with death if they leave or tell someone about the abuse.
• Abusers may threaten to kill or harm themselves if victims leave.
• Victims may feel they cannot support themselves or their children.
• Victims may be trapped by the exhaustion of surviving within the relationship.
• Victims may feel guilty and blame themselves for the abuse, believing they deserve it.
• Victims may stay for religious reasons. If they leave they may be blamed for a broken marriage.
• Victims may fear humiliation for themselves and partners if the abuse is exposed, particularly in a small community.
• The abusers may threaten to take away the children if the abuse is exposed or the victims try to leave.
• One of the most dangerous times is immediately after a separation because the threat of or actual violence usually increases at these times.
• Most victims want the violence to end, not the relationship. They may love the person who has become the abuser and do not wish to abandon him or her despite the abuse.
• The abusers promise to stop abusing, and the victims hold out hope that the abusers will change their behavior.
• The abusers are not always abusive, and the victims highlight the good times and dismiss the bad.

MYTH #10: Domestic Violence does not occur in same‑sex relationships.

REALITY: Domestic Violence occurs in same‑sex relationships with the same statistical frequency as heterosexual relationships. According to a 1998 article in the American Bar Association Journal, "The prevalence of domestic violence among gay and lesbian couples is approximately 33% (American Bar Association).

MYTH #11: Domestic Violence is a private affair and others should not intervene.

REALITY: Domestic Violence is a crime and needs to be treated as such by community members and agents of the criminal justice system. Everybody deserves to live without violence.

For Discussion or Writing: How do the myths associated with domestic violence correlate with myths associated with romantic love in our society? (Love will conquer all, love hurts, love is worth suffering for.) Where do such myths stem from? What feeds them and reinforces them? Have students bring in popular culture artifacts that promote these myths or have them incorporate them into an analysis paper about how such myths can be destructive.